[I'm] LOST

ever since the new season of LOST started a few weeks ago, trish and i have been getting together with some of our friends on tuesday nights to watch LOST. millions throughout the country have been completely enthralled and caught up with the show since it's inception. and the excitement for this season is at a fever pitch because it's going to end - and people are assuming we're finally going to get some answers. ASSUMPTIONS.

i love lost parties. i like them because it's fun to get together with good friends to watch something entertaining. it doesn't really matter what we watch. bum fights, cable access, really bad chick flicks - i don't really care cause i just like the time with my friends.

i got hooked on LOST for about 5 minutes. then i realized what was going on. let's get back to those assumptions. a wise man once said that assuming makes a sumo of U-M-E....wait, i think i got that wrong. let's talk about the main assumption that people have about the show that i think is completely 100% wrong. that assumption is that J.J. Abrams and the other writers have put together an intensely complex, well-written and intricately woven story that will end in the biggest "a-ha" moment ever recorded in human history. but you would be wrong...at least i think so.

i'm going to go way out on a limb here and make a prediction. babe ruth walked up to the plate years ago, pointed at center field and promptly hit a home run right where he pointed. imagine if he would have struck out, or grounded out, or even successfully got to first base. he would be laughed at. well, i'm gonna do the same thing. i'm calling a huge shot right here and if i'm wrong, you can all call me an idiot and laugh in my face and i will be ok with it.

when LOST ends, it's going to be the biggest letdown ever. the collective sucking sound you will hear at that moment will be the public reeling from the shock that the story that they've spent countless hours speculating, formulating theories, and reading fan blogs about will have been for something so stupid. remember when seinfeld ended with what turned out to be essentially a clips episode? i'm talking ten times as much of a letdown as that.

J.J. Abrams is good at what he does. he's a far better writer than i am. but what makes him good is that he's extremely good at creating questions, making the viewer want more so they'll tune in next time. unfortunately, creating those questions is only half of a good story. the way you resolve those questions and end the story is the other half. he's just been lucky enough to put off that moment for 6 or 7 years now. it's like he started a giant pyramid scheme and has successfully gotten America to buy in to the scam, but eventually it has to come to an end.

let me spell it out for you. THEY'RE JUST MAKING IT UP AS THEY GO ALONG. the show lost [sic] me when the island started time traveling. i mean, seriously? you're weaving together a story and suddenly your ridiculous plot gets so far fetched that the only way to make things fit is to start creating smoke monsters and time travel and polar bears? do they think we're stupid? obviously yes. but people tell me "they've got the whole story written for years now." i'm just going to call a big BEE-ESS on that one. it's easy to write more episodes that raise new questions. you just start making up random crap and if you present it in the right way with the right dramatic pauses and creepy music, anything seems interesting. i could write a screen play about who drank all the orange juice and left the carton in the fridge that would be just as dramatic.

want my evidence? cloverfield. cloverfield is a perfect example of something totally created by J.J. Abrams that mirrors the LOST format. it's just a two hour movie instead of a TV show that stretches over 6 seasons. the whole movie follows his formula of slowly giving out tiny bits of information. by making even a slight iota of information so dramatic, it lends credence that gives more importance in a way that could sell ice cube trays to eskimos. it's incredibly interesting, except that it's all predicated on the notion that there's going to be a huge payoff. WRONG. did you see cloverfield? it had a stupid ending that answered abso-friggin'-lutely NOTHING.

but didn't he just leave it open on purpose for a sequel?

that's exactly my point. he just creates questions so you'll tune in to the next episode or sequel. he never answers anything.

but nick, what about star trek? that had a well developed ending?

well, first of all, there's more plot holes in that movie than irony in a steel mill. and second of all, star trek isn't his story that he created. he's just giving his take on the franchise. to a certain degree, he has to stick to the formula. those plot holes are his lame attempt to actually tie up all the loose ends in a story - something he's not accustomed to doing.

so let me just recap: the ending is going to be stupid. many questions will not be answered, and America will say, as the great John Malkovich in a terrible russian accent in the movie Rounders once said, "i feel so unsatisfied."

i've thought this for a while, but decided to actually write it down and get it out there so that when i'm right, i'll have a big fat i-told-you-so.