Friday, December 14, 2012

bumper stickers

hey, calm down a minute. i know you're incredibly mad right now. i know what you're thinking. "dangit nick, you haven't posted for 6 months". and you know what, after i do a little math (carry the one) i would agree with you. but i'm not even gonna apologize. i'm just gonna act like it never happened and we can let the healing begin.

so last weekend tricia, #babybombs and i were on a road trip for a show in illinois. i couldn't help but notice a few choice bumper stickers. i didn't notice how funny, clever or offensive they were. here's what got me - i'm pretty surprised by how much information they give out. here's what i'm talking about....

we've all seen these. they're cute and endearing, right? chances are your soccer mom has this on her gas guzzling SUV. but for a second, let me put on my psycopathic killer hat. this bumper sticker tells me exactly how many people live in the house, their approximate ages, gender and in some cases, their names. "hey little Bartholometwix, get in the car. your mom, Quantumleapeesha said it was ok and i've got some candy." it also lets burglars know whether or not you have a dog guarding your place.

and then there's this genius....

most guys with this bumper sticker probably own a lot of guns, have a genuine distrust for any government and are preparing for the apocalypse. but here's the thing. if you distrust any sort of government and want them to stay off your back, then why would you put this bumper sticker on your car? it's like a giant bullseye for cops that says, "hey, stop me - i probably have illegal class 3 automatic weapons in my car." and hey, i'd actually kinda consider myself a gun nut, but you'll never see this guy on my rear end.

pleeeeease.....seriously? you're such an enlightened person yet you don't realize that some of the religions these symbolize have basic tenets that call for the extermination of the other ones? i think i'd actually respect the darwin fish with legs more.

and there's this - political bumper stickers. why would anyone EVER put a political bumper sticker on their car. has any good ever been done by this? have you ever met someone who actually changed their vote because of this? "well, i was gonna vote for that one guy, but then i saw that R squared logo and i was SOLD." and secondly, the nation is about equally divided between republicans and democrats. let's say you get pulled over by a democrat cop for going 6 over. he probably would let you off, but then he sees your "don't blame me, i voted for romney" bumper sticker and then decides to stick it to you.

and then there's this one...

so you ran a marathon. great. good for you. but the fact that you put a bumper sticker on your car to let us mere mortals know how amazing you are tells us a lot about you. the saying goes "you never get a second chance at a first impression", right? is this the kind of first impression you wanna be leaving?

believe what you want. it doesn't matter to me. continue to put bumper stickers on your car. but aside from lowering the resale value on your car, you're not really helping your case. i don't think i'll ever put a bumper sticker on.....however, i'm very tempted to put truck nuts on my car just to see how long it takes my wife to figure out what's going on. hahahah....but that's a whole different post


Scott said...

The "coexist" sticker always cracks me up - it always seems to be better expressed as "coexist, or I'll beat you up!"

Nakita Nevers said...

Until I read your blog just now, I had no idea that the ones with the numbers had anything to do with marathons. Every time I saw one, I spent a lot of time pondering what it could mean... a Bible verse, perhaps?

innieG said...

Haha Nick! We have those annoying 'family' bumper stickers here too. I thought it was funny that I post the bumper stickers I have on my car, I have 2: NOTW one and a SK one. I'm sure you would approve of both! hehehe

Stephen Knuth said...

This is hilarious and things I would have said too. Well written!

About Me

"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos; that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?" --Hi Fidelity

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