ONE MAN AGAINST THE PLANET

i'm writing this from an internet cafe in Zurich, Switzerland. i swiped a credit card off of an unsuspecting american tourist. so Mr. Jason Schmidt of Austin, Texas, if you're reading this, i'm sorry, but there was no other way.

if you think it's been too long since my last post, it's because for the last few weeks i've been on the run. the days blur into weeks and before i knew it, everything had changed. but i had no choice. i mean, what else can you do when men dressed in black fatigues holding random assault weapons repel from your roof and smash through your windows. i was surprised, but really, i should have known. i knew i was playing with fire. and it doesn't matter how good you are, when you play with fire you eventually get burned. little did i know that as i started to pull at a thread of truth that i would beging to unwind the whole sweater and COME ACROSS THE GREATEST CONSPIRACY OF OUR TIME.

this is how i see myself right now

what if i were to tell you that our government, using our tax dollars, has created some sort of cyborg super soldier to dominate and control the music and movie entertainment industry? it's not what you think. i'm not talking about susan sarandon and sean penn giving their unasked for political opinions or oprah winfrey helping obama win the election. no - those are small potatoes. a diversion. just smoke and mirrors. and as i hit the emergency self-destruct sequence at my house and scuttled through my escape hatch it all started to make sense. they had done it before in Roswell, NM.

when i say Roswell, everyone immediately thinks AREA 51 and ALIENS, right? well, here we are years later and it turns out that Area 51 was a legitimate secret base that housed experimental aircraft like the SR-71 and the Stealth Bomber before they were made known to the public. what better smokescreen than Aliens?!?! the government would just refuse to confirm or deny alien reports and all of the sudden they had a license to be secretive. hiding in plain sight. well, pundits and political talk show hosts can complain all they want about politicians giving their unsolicited and uneducated opinions - the real threat is a super cyborg who holds two different identities in the entertainment world. this bionic man/cyborg has been programmed by the CIA to make music and movies that are the perfect combination of entertaining, yet completely mind numbing. this "art" is like feeding valium to the masses making them more apathetic to a government ever-encroaching on our freedoms. who cares if their emails and phone calls are monitored?? as long as the cable stays on everything is fine.

the fact that modern facial recognition software hasn't caught on to the cyborg's multiple identities if proof that there are more people involved that any of us realize. i've been tipped off that interpol will zero in on my location within 15 minutes so i've got just enough time to blow the lid off this thing. THE SECRET IDENTITIES OF THE MIND NUMBING ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY CYBORG IS..........

(cue the dramatic music)

NICOLAS CAGE AND CHAD KROEGER!!!!!

THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!!!!

you may remember him from such movies as Ghost Rider, Con Air and 8MM

as lead singer of Nickelback you may have heard his wise words from their smash hit "Figured You Out" where the poet opines "I like your pants around your feet"

what's particularly insulting is that the cyborg's CIA handlers thought by slapping a gotee on the Chad Kroeger persona nobody would know the difference. it's kinda like how on the old star trek whenever they wanted to have an evil Spock they just slapped a gotee on him. are we really that dumb??? well, i guess if you watch Windtalkers and listen to "Feelin' Way Too D*mn Good" most activity in your frontal cortex would cease.

you're not fooling anyone

don't believe me? let's look at the similarities:

1. they look exactly alike. want some more pictures?? look below

2. they both make really crappy art that sells HUGE. ok, every now and then they'll make something good. i mean, the national treasure movies were interesting and on a good day i might admit i thought that "Photograph" song was pretty good.

3. here is an actual Nicolas Cage quote: "I wanted to make an image for myself as an outlaw type. A kind of rock 'n' roll sensibility."

4. i can't find any pictures on the net of Nicolas Cage with a guitar. however this is faulty logic because if i HAD found one i would TOTALLY be using that as proof. but still, we're gonna chalk that up as evidence of a coverup.

so there it is - THE TRUTH. i hope you all can handle it. i hear sirens in the distance so that means i need to get going. tomorrow i'll hit up my secret drop site that holds a cache of fake passports, stolen credits card, an MP5 submachine gun, a Glock 9 mil and $10,000 cash in various currencies. once the word gets out maybe then something can be done about the Nicolas Cage/Chad Kroeger cyborg. but until then i'll just be a man on the run. but somehow i think everything will be cleared up in time for the next Stellar Kart show this Friday in Gaylord, MI!!! see you all there!!!

two weeks on tour

a lot can happen in two weeks. it was about that long ago that we all piled on the bus for another run on the Stellar Kart tour with Seventh Day Slumber and Kiros. it's actually been pretty fun so far. i would love to just bore your brains out with paragraphs and paragraphs of detail but instead i thought i'd make it a little interesting and include some highlight pictures. and these pictures are going to help illustrate the TOP 8 THINGS I LEARNED ON TOUR

1. STELLAR KART FANS ARE CRAZY

and by crazy i mean can do crazy things. this girl came up to us in the signing line and i am not sure how it came up that she can contort her leg like this. it's painful to even look at. but it makes for a funny picture. if any of you have any freakish, i mean crazy abilities, come see us in the signing line and i'll document and post on this blog.

2. PAWN SHOPS ARE AMAZING

check this OUT --

this was in probably the coolest pawn shop i've ever been in. oh, and for those of you who don't know this - i LOVE pawn shops. pawn shops are the guy equivalent to how girls love Target. i love finding deals at pawn shops. but it's usually used music gear, guns and electronics. this shop had not one, but TWO Mrs. Pac Man arcade games. which leads me to the next thing i learned -

3. @ThisEdwinOrtiz NEEDS TO OWN THIS!!

how cool is this bike?? i mean seriously. the handle bars are way up high like a chopper. and notice the extra wide banana seat. it's decked out in all black and chrome. and the best part is the car transmission shifter style gear shift.

4. I DO HAVE THE ABILITY NOT TO MAKE A DIRTY JOKE

that, my friends, is the Thinker - yes, the famous statue of a guy thinking. we saw this at the art museum on kansas city last week. any of you who have seen the will ferrel SNL sketch where he is a nude model probably knows the exact joke pose that i was thinking about at this very moment. (the thinker? or the stinker!!) but i guess i'm growing up cause i stood there like a champ and now have a picture that i can show my grandchildren without embarrassment. next on the list is mental filter to sort out what i say.

5. I HAD THE BEST FISHING DAY EVER

ok, so that's not really something i "learned" on this tour, but how can i catch 12 giant catfish and NOT post the picture??? one day in oklahoma i asked if there was anywhere good to fish....and yes, OF COURSE i bring my fishing gear with me on tour. anyway, a nice guy named Fred told us about a small pond that had big catfish and they wanted them OUT. so we obliged. ya know how we caught these guys?? HOT DOGS. yup. all you need are some fresh weiners to catch some stinky catfish. and what's even better is that a nice older guy cleaned and filet'd them for us and we grilled them at the bus. SOOO GOOD. also pictured are @jeremihough, @briancalcara and @jordanmesser- all who, i must mention, refused to even touch the fish. i mean, they're good guys but i won the manliest man competition that day. i guess no one likes hands that smell like fish.

6. ADAM'S GREAT GRANDPA IS AWESOME

ok so that's not a picture of adam's great grandpa, that's me shooting a gun at his farm. we had a day off in oklahoma and of course we're going to shoot guns. have you guys not learned this about me yet?

7. OKLAHOMA HAS THE MOST UNHEALTHY FOOD EVER

this heavenly entree is from Del Rancho in Moore, Oklahoma. this wasn't some random joint we found - this was recommended by multiple friends and family who don't even know each other. that is a chicken fried steak sandwich and onion rings. i had 3 heart attacks later that night.

8. SHARK IS SOOOOO GOOD TO EAT

that, my friends, is a FREAKING SHARK. in corpus christi, TX we had a couple guys take a bunch of us on the tour fishing off of a pier on south padre island. in addition to many people getting very sunburned, we also caught a lot of fish. this shark was caught by @josephrojas. @adamagee caught a nice pompano and i only got a couple blue runners. our guide caught a similar sized shark and another fisherman ended up giving us a shark that he caught. so OF COURSE we took it back to the bus and grilled them. seriously i want to start my own cooking show where cameras follow us on tour and we have to find local food and we can only use a grill. anyway, i cut up shark steaks, we cooked them in garlic, pepper, salt, butter and olive oil. oh, and i found out that apparently the mercury content in a fish is what makes it taste fishy. and the best way to get rid of the mercury is to soak the fix in milk. ya, seriously, milk. so we soaked in milk for an hour and it was seriously some of the best fish i've ever put in my mouth.

so the moral of this story is - when on tour, go fishing, shoot stuff, go to pawn shops and maybe do something interesting instead of just parking the bus at a mall. seriously, i know of some bands out there who almost refuse to do anything fun or interesting because they're stuck in a rut and the ONLY thing they'll ever do on a day off is park at a mall. i mean, that's cool. it's your life. you can do whatever you want. but we all only have a short time on this earth and if you want to stay in a bubble, that's cool. but i'm gonna at least enjoy it. and i've got the pictures to prove it.

even more..

hey guys, sorry i haven't written lately. i've been crazy busy. but here's a little video we put together to promote tricia's worship record. i've posted little bits and pieces about the recording process and this video has a few clips. hope you like it

gratuitous self promotion

i'll keep this post short and sweet. my wife's first single was recently sent to radio and iTunes. here's the link for iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/you-are-my-shepherd-single/id430720406

i expect each and every one of you to go buy it as well as call your local christian stations to request it. this, however poignant, is not a request.

you will buy tricia's single. you will also buy her full record when it comes out on June 7. these are not the droids you are looking for.

resistance is futile. your argument is invalid. that is all.

australia

so about a week ago we did a one-off fly date....to australia. ya, australia. 30 hours of travel each way for a 50 minute set? sure! sign me up! for those of you with the empathic ability to sense sarcasm in the written word, just relax, i'm kidding. i love australia. seriously. i love the accent, the weather and the fact that they had radio stations that play both christian music and regular music. and i don't mean like here in the US where a christian station will play a Fray song once a day to appeal to a larger audience.

how many of you are scared of flying? ok, well it's a 14 hour flight from LA to Sydney so if you ever find yourself on that flight maybe pull a B.A. Baracus and sedate yourself. i don't expect anybody under 23 to get that reference.

we had a day off in Sydney which was actually a lot of fun. we were about to go walk on the famous bridge at the harbor (i forgot what it was called), but then we found out it costs almost $200 a person to walk up onto a bridge. now i know us christian musicians make loads of money (sarcasm empaths, i'm looking at you), but that seemed a little steep for us. see what i did there? walking up a high bridge?....too steep?....ok i'm reaching now.

here's me taking a picture of @adamagee who's taking a picture of @briancalcara

well, the next morning we had to take a short flight to Melbourne on a ghetto little ariline called Tiger Airways. it was kind of a ghetto airline. think southwest airlines' backwoods trailer trash cousin. anyway, remember this. i'll come back to it.

so here's a picture of the picturesque land where the festival was held:

the whole time i couldn't help but think that this place looks like the sheep hex in The Settlers of Catan. for those of you who don't know what that is, do yourself a favor and buy the boardgame and join the sensation.

i didn't get a shot of the crowd but i did get one of us doing an interview:

shortly after the interview we all got to meet a longtime Stellar Kart fan @innieG who actually took a long flight from Perth to come see the show. she is pretty awesome.

so anyway, about 4 hours after we finished our show we had to get out of bed so start our journey home. well, remember our friends at Tiger Airlines? well, at the airport they decided to screw us over with about $850 in extra baggage fees that we didn't have to pay on the way there. now i wouldn't bore you with a story of something so mundane as an airline screwing over a passenger. what was interesting was that there was a documentary camera crew there who heard our conversation and started filming the whole thing. apparently they're doing a documentary specifically on this airline because they're known for screwing people over as well as canceling 30% of all their flights at any given time. and of course, i didn't want to pass up an opportunity to ham it up a bit for the camera. once i realized there was no way to talk them out of the fees i then directed my energy to thinking of catchy sound bites the film crew could use. however i don't think that one of them will make the cut. at one point i asked them if i should bend over, grab my ankles and make it official. this documentary will apparently be airing on national tv at some point. let's just hope we aren't painted as the ugly americans in the editing.

so anyway, australia was awesome. hopefully next time we can stay a little longer. the morale of this story - if you need to get to australia be ready for the long haul, buy settlers of catan, and if you're getting screwed over, figure out a way to make it fun.

i'm noticing a pattern

would you all like to know what i hate??????

THIS!!!!

for the uninitiated, i will enlighten you.

that, my friends, is Qdoba queso - and i must clarify that i LOVE Qdoba queso more than a fat kid loves, ummm, well, queso. wow i meant that to be a metaphor but it turned out to be depressingly literal and autobiographical. but enough about me getting old and fat. what really melts my cheese is that when i go to Qdoba and get their queso, they NEVER fill it up. seriously, even if i ask them to fill it up, they REFUSE. i mean, what am i paying for? seriously, it's $3.79. this isn't a side of guac. if you bought a can of coke and you opened it and it was only half full, you'd be pissed too, right?

attention corporate entity that owns Qdoba - please fill up the cup of queso or i will refuse to....well, i won't make idle threats that we all know i won't follow through with. but that doesn't change the fact that it makes me mad.

anyway, i had to get that off my chest. this weekend we spent some time in Washington, DC on a day off which happened to be my first time in the Capitol. i mean, i couldn't believe i was in the same city where our forefathers walked; great pillars of society like Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and Nicholas Cage. here's me on the Capitol steps:

wow, it's like i'm 8 years old visiting the Lincoln sites again back in Springfield. And here's the view looking down the national mall towards the Washington monument.

hmmm..is that a....well, nevermind.

and here's a nuclear missile on display at the air and space museum:

i'm noticing a pattern in these pictures. every picture has something in it shaped like a....yup, i think we can definitely say that washington is the most phallic city in the nation. but that's no big revelation. it's common knowledge that Washington is full of dicks.

ZING!!!

thanks. i'll be here all week. try the veal and tip your waitresses.

Mic Shootout - Results

ok ok i've got people on my facebook and in the blog comments wanting to know the answers in the mic shootout. according to google analytics the spike i get when i post a blog lasts about 3 days so i would be doing myself and my blog a disservice if i didn't wait...haha, well, that and i wanted to keep you all in suspense.

Mic A was the expensive mic, the u67 through a neve pre and a blue stripe 1176.

Mic B was the cheaper Rode NT2 through a vintech x81 and a distressor.

first of all, i gotta give props to two people who picked it exactly - my old buddy from college Stephen Hudson from www.TheBusyBoxStudio.com. he owns both mics and knows them well because he was able to tell them apart.

the other guy is @nathantbass who not only picked it, but felt confident enough to actually post his name and not post anonymously. he got it right. the high end gives it away. more about that later...

for those of you who picked incorrectly, don't feel bad. i actually agree with you that Mic B (the cheap one) actually sounds better. i would have picked the same thing. if the majority of people agree that it sounds better, isn't that what counts? i'm just amazed that the cheap mic even stands up to the expensive one. don't get me wrong - if i get rich i'll definitely have some for my mic collection, but unless you're buying old tube mics as an investment strategy, why pay more??

back to the mic differences - as nathan pointed out, the top end gives it away. newer mics seem to have more top end which usually translates to it sounding "clearer". although the u67 has a richer mid range without sounding nasally.

another thing to consider is that you gotta find the right tool for the right job. i have in my possession a borrowed Blue Baby Bottle mic. on most voices it doesn't sound great, but one week i recorded a rock band and did a quick test to see which sounded best. the guy has an interesting and different sound to his voice and the baby bottle actually sounded the best. so for me to say that one mic is absolutely superior to another is just not true. i've got another mic that i would consider too bright for most uses, except on things like acoustic guitar where i tend to add a little on the top end. it really depends on the application and how that mic compliments what you are recording.

but the lesson remains that more expensive doesn't necessarily mean something is better.