i'm writing this from an internet cafe in Zurich, Switzerland. i swiped a credit card off of an unsuspecting american tourist. so Mr. Jason Schmidt of Austin, Texas, if you're reading this, i'm sorry, but there was no other way.
if you think it's been too long since my last post, it's because for the last few weeks i've been on the run. the days blur into weeks and before i knew it, everything had changed. but i had no choice. i mean, what else can you do when men dressed in black fatigues holding random assault weapons repel from your roof and smash through your windows. i was surprised, but really, i should have known. i knew i was playing with fire. and it doesn't matter how good you are, when you play with fire you eventually get burned. little did i know that as i started to pull at a thread of truth that i would beging to unwind the whole sweater and COME ACROSS THE GREATEST CONSPIRACY OF OUR TIME.
this is how i see myself right now
what if i were to tell you that our government, using our tax dollars, has created some sort of cyborg super soldier to dominate and control the music and movie entertainment industry? it's not what you think. i'm not talking about susan sarandon and sean penn giving their unasked for political opinions or oprah winfrey helping obama win the election. no - those are small potatoes. a diversion. just smoke and mirrors. and as i hit the emergency self-destruct sequence at my house and scuttled through my escape hatch it all started to make sense. they had done it before in Roswell, NM.
when i say Roswell, everyone immediately thinks AREA 51 and ALIENS, right? well, here we are years later and it turns out that Area 51 was a legitimate secret base that housed experimental aircraft like the SR-71 and the Stealth Bomber before they were made known to the public. what better smokescreen than Aliens?!?! the government would just refuse to confirm or deny alien reports and all of the sudden they had a license to be secretive. hiding in plain sight. well, pundits and political talk show hosts can complain all they want about politicians giving their unsolicited and uneducated opinions - the real threat is a super cyborg who holds two different identities in the entertainment world. this bionic man/cyborg has been programmed by the CIA to make music and movies that are the perfect combination of entertaining, yet completely mind numbing. this "art" is like feeding valium to the masses making them more apathetic to a government ever-encroaching on our freedoms. who cares if their emails and phone calls are monitored?? as long as the cable stays on everything is fine.
the fact that modern facial recognition software hasn't caught on to the cyborg's multiple identities if proof that there are more people involved that any of us realize. i've been tipped off that interpol will zero in on my location within 15 minutes so i've got just enough time to blow the lid off this thing. THE SECRET IDENTITIES OF THE MIND NUMBING ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY CYBORG IS..........
(cue the dramatic music)
NICOLAS CAGE AND CHAD KROEGER!!!!!
THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!!!!
you may remember him from such movies as Ghost Rider, Con Air and 8MM
as lead singer of Nickelback you may have heard his wise words from their smash hit "Figured You Out" where the poet opines "I like your pants around your feet"
what's particularly insulting is that the cyborg's CIA handlers thought by slapping a gotee on the Chad Kroeger persona nobody would know the difference. it's kinda like how on the old star trek whenever they wanted to have an evil Spock they just slapped a gotee on him. are we really that dumb??? well, i guess if you watch Windtalkers and listen to "Feelin' Way Too D*mn Good" most activity in your frontal cortex would cease.
you're not fooling anyone
don't believe me? let's look at the similarities:
1. they look exactly alike. want some more pictures?? look below
2. they both make really crappy art that sells HUGE. ok, every now and then they'll make something good. i mean, the national treasure movies were interesting and on a good day i might admit i thought that "Photograph" song was pretty good.
3. here is an actual Nicolas Cage quote: "I wanted to make an image for myself as an outlaw type. A kind of rock 'n' roll sensibility."
4. i can't find any pictures on the net of Nicolas Cage with a guitar. however this is faulty logic because if i HAD found one i would TOTALLY be using that as proof. but still, we're gonna chalk that up as evidence of a coverup.
so there it is - THE TRUTH. i hope you all can handle it. i hear sirens in the distance so that means i need to get going. tomorrow i'll hit up my secret drop site that holds a cache of fake passports, stolen credits card, an MP5 submachine gun, a Glock 9 mil and $10,000 cash in various currencies. once the word gets out maybe then something can be done about the Nicolas Cage/Chad Kroeger cyborg. but until then i'll just be a man on the run. but somehow i think everything will be cleared up in time for the next Stellar Kart show this Friday in Gaylord, MI!!! see you all there!!!
